Almost six months ago I made a promise.
I stood beneath her and she smiled. She felt warm, calm and peaceful knowing I would be raising my sword to fight for her honour!
She promised to hold me close and protect me and reminded me that the words and judgments of others could never hurt me.
When I left her I was fuelled with a fiery yet peace-filled ferocity to get to work.
I was ready!
Well – I thought I was ready.
For the past six months I have continued to fight the same battle I have fought since my childhood.
The battle to be heard!
The battle to be seen!
To share a voice that had the capacity to make spiritual truth real, relevant and actionable in the human experience.
But I was stuck.
Frozen and stuck underneath years and years of worthlessness.
It was so hard to lift and so hard to move.
A violent war was raging inside me as Truth battled with an impost0r in one final battle to the death for control of my expression.
You see, I did not have control.
I was still presenting the Tim that the world liked and the one that the world felt comfortable with.
Tim the nice guy who made sure that when he spoke no one was upset!
The Tim who has stood by and allowed people he thought incapable of such an act to use his intellectual property to better their own reputation – better to not upset the apple cart – and business.
The Tim friends felt comfortable taking advantage of.
This war inside me has been raging for 40 years.
In my younger days and then in my early adult life it was easy to distract myself from it – sport, exercise, booze, you name it – there was always something.
But truth is relentless.
It does not stop.
It will not turn its back on you – even when you do.
Many times the impostor moved to stand victorious over the kingdom that was my body, thinking it had ended.
Only to be dragged back once more into the bloody battle by a truth that refused to surrender or die.
That battle is now over.
And truth stands alone as victorious.
There are moments when memories of life before and during the battle surface.
How could they not – they were and still are a part of me.
It is their control and power over me that no longer draws breath.
They are a faint reminder of my journey to victory – nothing more, nothing less.
When they do surface, truth wraps me up in her arms, as the strong and kind-hearted old woman once did, as she smiled love and peace down upon me.
Many times over the past six months I have reflected on the promise that I made to her.
And somehow as the shame and guilt of my broken promise, and not honouring my commitment, began to rise my thoughts turned to her.
And she would smile the same smile she smiled that day.
And I would feel the same heart beat that I felt that day as she told me on each occasion I was crumbling, that everything is okay.
That everything, no matter how bad it seemed, was okay.
I think she knew I would reach this point.
The point of victory.
But if I didn’t I am certain it would not have mattered to her.
Her love has no restrictions.
Hers is not the the love of measurement, judgement or conditions.
Her love is the way we should all love.
I thank you Mother Earth and God, for offering your bosom when I needed it most and for carrying me back into battle when I could no longer walk or drag my self back into the arena.
It was your love – so great that it is – and gentle guiding hand that led me there when all I wanted to do was surrender and accept the final defeat.
It’s funny now that I think about it.
I promised to fight for you but it was you, carrying me through battle, who fought for me.
Yep – I think you knew this day would come and when I think about your smile on the day I first made my promise I sense, with hindsight, your knowing that I would need time, love, patience and understanding to get to where I am today.
I also know that it is time, love, patience and understanding that we should extend to others as they journey through their own battles.
And, as I step wholeheartedly into bringing honour to those words I spoke to you all those months ago, I also make the commitment that I will bring the same strength, love and compassion you brought to me to others, should they need assistance in their own battles.
Thank you for…
Just thank you!
And now it is back to work.
After all, a promise is a promise!
One word that cropped up regularly in the 48 hours leading up to the writing of this piece is ‘gutsy’.
How strange and yet how beautiful.
It’s a great word for me right now – and always – but I mentioned it because perhaps it’s a great word for us all.
What would a gutsy expression of who you are mean to you and the world?
Not the ‘I don’t give a damn about anyone else expression’ that is so yesterday (and seen frequently in contemporary personal development literature) but an ‘I love all others and the planet and my expression is my service and contribution to all of them and her’ kind of way.
Anyway – just a thought.
Over to you.